becoming leela.

this is a love I cannot spend when I'm dense, it doesn't leave when I'm scrambling for meaning it doesn't play hide and seek when I read my favourite poems or listen to that which sets my soul burning all the roads that lead to god lead back to you

i dont want a baby because i dont want to force her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go i dont want to disintegrate her into 'what i want' and 'what i can have' i dont want to bury her real voice somewhere under my love soil airtight when she's gleaming with the kind of radiance that can't be taught i don't want to be the reason she hides i dont want to be the reason she romantices her solitude because that's the only place where she won't be scoffed at for being a big girl with big girl dreams and big girl opinions i dont want a baby because i don't want my bad days to hang heavy in the air and make her afraid after she's just made her first peanut butter sandwich but if i do have a little baby i'll teach her to fly and spend a lifetime building her a worldsized trampoline i'll tell her how pretty she looks when she rolls out of bed in the morning her hair all tangled and her eyes well rested i wish i had a mother like me

in this disturbance let me meditate on your name in this misery let me meditate on your name why do you so desire to be known it's a trap don't pick up a name drunkenly laugh when they call you a freak where are your wits about it your desire to be someone makes you groggy you're everyone let this silence you and sing praises of the lover

whenever she feels insecure she frantically looks for the labels she's collected over these years she looks for evidence to prove that she's happier prettier she says you told me then do you really think the effect you have comes from the stories you tell yourself it's in your breath your disciplined silences send her back to me mother of the worlds let the mad love ensue with one kiss of amnesia  

take me to the centre of living of doing this fringe living this not standing for much, I pay with my blood I'm running out break the glass covering on my heart make me terrified of the way I've been the morning after 19 oct the lord is here he's seen that I'm vacant and born with an affliction for  speed

I pray my secret magic  puts food on my plate first and a farm next soon, I have fruit and grains and I'm crowned the queen of fire so that I may cook for all my creepy crawly insect children my husband is a farmer he's friends with the harvest moon I pray my secret pen brings good strangers to our inn asking for food and shelter I'll send them back with my books the ones I've written by the fireside all these years I finally found the mirror of truth one look and it tells you your name you're swirls, circles squiggly lines you're drifting leaves on a  crowded street you are the swooshing of wind not christie  or martha or arthur what madness is this quick make me rich in all the ways I can't fathom with your strange strange alchemy

when all else leaves the monsoon doesn't in the absence of  the world, I smell july in the breeze coercing me gently like a grandmother with a treat when my eyes dart around and I'm too blind to see when all else leaves the monsoon doesn't like a friend from sixth grade peeping through the front door with umbrella hands and puddles for feet

keep me in your neighbourhood when my desires are deluding erase the delusion erase the desire erase the 'my'

our love is no fleeting feeling it's not a structure, a city or an empire it's the constant life breath that flows under all of this existing and non existing it's more me than I've ever had the skill to be when all frantic running stops and my words take a back seat when I catch a glimpse of the maker that's when I know I'm in your neighborhood you're here somewhere the signs are all there the merchants are closing shop and the city stretches like in a dreamy yawn you hold my face up to your eyes and say wake up

you head out to work every morning with my temple rose heart in your leather wallet how you've made me long for you for years, my love your voice is divine song your eyes I see glimpses of my past lives in I wait for nightfall and a knock on my door I wait for you

I'm normal nothing special but I still get to be magical something the world has never seen but that's got to be a lie no? the world has seen it all I'm a pearl buried in the flesh of an oyster or maybe I'm the droppings drifting to the seabed maybe I'm manure or I must be the whole wide world This washing away of oneself requires honesty that's blinding. It cuts through muscle, leaving your bones exposed. All the tricks we play, the stories we tell ourselves to preserve that "I", to accumulate good word and praise. I'm in the process of cutting that karmic tie. To be misunderstood, misrepresented, misheard, misconstrued. Why does it scare me? When everything that comes out of me is an act of god, how it's perceived is divine plan. 

I've stopped trying now I've stopped flapping my arms and legs frantically and suddenly, I stop drowning suddenly, I'm a leaf being carried afloat to the shore

who am I behind all my trepiditions the veil lifts and I see the cosmic flame I spin around it every passing hour and feed the fire every last opinion I hold, every last time I thought I knew something for sure I give you my name and my address you can take my desire my exaltation my ringing laughter I don't celebrate my happiness for it means there'd be a certain fall I exist somewhere in between the kind of joy that quietens this is the inner sanctum leave your life by the threshold and come in

I'm angry at you please look at me I have faith in your divine plan but that faith I find it hard to find when I feel parched and sore father please look after me I dont ask for much all I ask for is to become You